Self-compassion is a topic widely discussed, explored, and written about in the context of contemporary psychology, mindfulness, and well-being. Over the past few decades, modern Western scientists, doctors, and psychologists have recognised the physical and mental benefits of developing and practising self-compassion skills.
Prior to engaging in any self-compassion practice, an important factor to consider is that as humans, we are all individuals, and the self-compassion practices which are effective for one person may not be so effective for another.
What is certain, is that by cultivating a deeper understanding of compassion based on the shared human condition, our patience towards others and ourselves in times of adversity is greatly enhanced. Our sense of affinity to others develops, and we experience greater emotional balance and inner peace, engendering the wholesome mind of self-worth, self-appreciation and love.
Developing ourselves to be self-compassionate is a very rewarding journey, which requires a level of intentional effort from ourselves to succeed. At the beginning of our journey, we may experience positive results quickly, which in turn may lead to generating unrealistic self-expectations. By holding the thought that we will attain our goal quickly there is no doubt that our self-compassionate journey will be a slow and bumpy ride. From the outset, it is best practice to work at one’s own pace and within the constraints of one’s own capacity. This in itself is an integral part of the training.
What is compassion
Compassion, according to Buddhist psychology, is the genuine heartfelt wish for those who suffer to be free from that suffering and its causes. It is a mental factor, that is free from any sense of malice and is imbued with patience.
In order for any mind to manifest it requires an object, and the object of observation of the mind of compassion, in general, is living beings, other than oneself.
When we develop compassion for others, it is a fundamental necessity for us to recognise they are experiencing the difficulties associated with the shared human condition. When the mind of compassion has manifested it takes the aspect of wishing those who suffer to be free from that suffering and its causes.
As we meditate on compassion and it becomes manifest within us, we take its aspect as the object of focus, the wish for those who are suffering to be free from that suffering. We focus our mind solely upon it. During this focus meditation, we allow all the positive and wholesome feelings and sensations that accompany it to permeate our being.
On an experiential level, the mind of compassion and the meditator who has cultivated that mind should become indivisible.
What is self-compassion
Self-compassion is the genuine heartfelt wish for oneself to be free from suffering and its causes. The object of observation of this mind is oneself.
Self-compassion as compassion itself is a mental factor free from malice and is supported by the mental factors of self-patience, self-tolerance, equanimity and self-awareness or introspection.
Self-compassion is a mind that values and respects oneself and is the perfect stage to develop an affinity towards others. It is an emotionally balanced mind, self-aware and free from any self-deprecating thoughts and improper mental attention.
Self-compassion here is the mind that we aspire to cultivate and experience. At times we may become disheartened, or feel that achieving this goal is outside of our reach. Durring these times it can be beneficial to reflect upon the fact that as a by-product of developing self-compassion, we become better placed to help and inspire others. By engaging in the practices, fueled by the motivation to be of help to others we develop forbearance and a sense of leading a meaningful life.
Relationship between compassion and love
Compassion and love are intimately related. The object of observation of the mind of love is identical to that of the mind of compassion.
Love is the heartfelt wish for others to be happy, and experience the causes that give rise to happiness. Manifesting this thought explicitly, implicitly we wish for others to be free from suffering.
Reflecting upon and questioning this relationship using our own critical thinking we can deepen our understanding of compassion and love, progressing beyond an intellectual understanding to a heart-felt experince.
The human condition, identifying suffering and its causes
Everyone recognises unpleasant physical suffering. Whether that be caused by catching a wintertime bug, being in an accident, or perhaps pushing our bodies beyond their limits.
As we commence on our self-compassion journey it can be useful to reflect upon that as a species regardless of a persons wealth, or status in society, inevitably everyones body loses its strength, vitality, attractive aspects, and finally breaks down. The play of this process is certain, however, our lack of acceptance of the this process can be a cause of prolonged mental suffering, unhappiness, and anxiety.
Here we investigate the cause of our suffering not at the obvious physical level, but rather at the mental level.
As beginners, it can be useful to contenplate some of the more easily recognisable causes of a unpeaceful mind, such as the minds associated with uncertainty, and dissatisfaction with respect to ourselves, others, situations and material objects.
If we accept that happiness is a mind that is stable, and peaceful then a mind which is unsettled, aggitated and unpeaceful is nessesarily not happiness.
Nobody would deny that we can experience happiness induced by physical activities, however, the ability of a physical activity to remain a pleasant one and provide long-term happiness, a peaceful mind is limited.
Identifying the exact cause of our suffering, the destructive emotions which take the peaceful aspect from our mind can be difficult; however, with diligence, reasoning and self-reflection we are able to make progress.
A common cause of our suffering is the mind that grasps, holds onto our own ideas, views, opinions and beliefs, believing them to be supirior to others. But again we have to investigate if this is true.
At a fundamental level, the cause of our suffering can be asserted as being the egotistical, self-centred attitude, the mind that prioritises oneself over others. This mind unashamedly places oneself at the centre of the universe, at the exclsuion of others and holds it most dear. This egotistical mind is a confused mind, confused because it believes that the suffering of others has no effect on oneself, and therefore it believes that there is no need to help others.
The destructive power of the self-centred mind should not be underestimated, as it has been the source of countless problems over millennia, and is responsible for the separation of couples, the disbandment of groups to the outbreak of wars between nations.
On our journey of self-compassion, we learn to develop introspection which identifies when the egotistical mind presents itself. It is at that very moment it manifests that we should make the extra effort to be kind and gentle with ourself and others.
Empathy is the key to an open heart
Recognising the shared human condition, and the common unwanted feelings and emotions which we all face helps us to nurture a sense of equality and empathy towards others.
Cultivating the mind of equality and empathy opens our hearts, helping to cultivate a genuine sense of connectedness, affinity and compassion for both ourselves and others.
What self-compassion is not
Self-compassion is not founded in the self-isolating egotistical mind. Nor is it imbued with feeling sorry or pity for oneself. It does not seek to apportion blame and is necessarily not concomitant with harsh critical self-judgments, impatience, ignorance, improper mental attention, arrogance or pride.
Self-value
Self-compassion cherishes oneself, not in a self-centred, egotistical manner, but based on valuing oneself as a human being and the positive potential we hold. It is a wise mind that understands how to create the causes for happiness, and that we also possess the potential to help others achieve this.
Benefits of self-compassion
The benefits of self-compassion become fully self-evident to those who practise it. For those that do, naturally, they become wiser, gentler, kinder and patient with themselves, and in turn others.
Practitioners replace negative inner monologues with life-affirming ones and negative metal actions with positive ones. Their emotional resilience gains strength, and they gravitate towards other self-compassionate people.
The Art of Self Compassion: Self-compassion training
Self-compassion breaks
One of the simplest ways of nurturing ourselves in our everyday lives is to take a self-compassion break. This practice can be engaged in at any time and is particularly useful when introspection identifies the manifestation of unwholesome feelings and self-destructive attitudes. If we are self aware at that time we can pause, and intentionally take a moment to acknowledge the situation and reconnect with ourselves with love, acceptance, warm-heartedness and tenderness.
Try it out
Placing our hand on our heart, we close our eyes and begin a cycle of deep slow breathing, and gently offer kind and supportive words to ourselves. We allow our hearts to open and embrace ourselves with unconditional love.
Download the Self Compassion Break meditation script here.
Mindful self-compassion
Self-compassion can be asserted as having two primary functions, one to prevent and reduce one’s own suffering, and the second to develop our inner qualities equipping us to be of greater help to others.
In order to develop, and familiarise ourselves with the mind of self-compassion it is best practice to mindfully, and intentionally embrace ourselves with love, patience, tenderness and kindness, prior to and whilst engaged in an activity. This may sound obvious, however to accomplish this, it takes a high degree of self awarness and introspection.
Developing this wonderful habit can be very enriching and help us achieve a more sustaniable peaceful mind.
Overcoming self-deprecating thoughts with self-patience
Patience directed towards ourselves is a mind that remains undisturbed whilst we experience either physical pain, emotional pain or both. Self-patience is not a passive mind, rather it has the aspects of clarity, wisdom and is imbued with self-love.
The aspect of wisdom that accompanies self-patience arises from the recognition of the inevitable difficulties that we all share as human beings, the disadvantages of self-intolerance, and the advantages of self-tolerance.
Cultivating and engaging in self-patience helps us reduce the repetitive destructive habit of being overly self-critical, and engaging in self-deprecating inner dialogue, it helps us to avoid creating big dramas when we face difficulties.
Refraiming
Manifesting the mind of self-patience creates a cognitive space which allows us to mentally reframe an unpleasant situation to one in which we cultivate a positive, wholsome mind. By intentionally engaging in this practice we genuinly take responsibility of caring for ourselves, paving the way for, self-value, inner healing and peace.
Overcoming isolation through equanimity
Our experience of suffering is often accompanied by a sense of being disconnected from others, isolated and alone. This type of mind is tight, heavy and destructive, in contrast to the mind of self-compassion which is expansive, light, intelligent and wholesome.
The practice of cultivating equanimity is a powerful practice which acts as an antidote to the feeling of isolation.
By contemplating the fact that we all face similar unpleasant physical and mental challenges in life, and that we all wish to avoid even the slightest notion of suffering, and that we all wish to be happy we set the stage for cultivating empathy and an affinity with others.
Overcoming improper mental attention with self-awareness, introspection
Improper mental attention is the act of repeatedly directing our focus to the perceived source of our suffering.
It is a cognitive action that supports, feeds an over exaggerated negative or attractive aspect onto ourself, others or an object.
In our context here the object of focus is the self-critical, self-deprecating thoughts which prevent us from establishing the mind of self-compassion. By continuinally re enaging with the destrcutive thoughts we energise and empower them, over exagerate them feeding our unsettled mind and strengthening and sustaining a cycle of stress, anxiety, and emotional pain.
Having recognised improper mental attention as an obstacle to the development of self-compassion, we employ self-awareness, or introspection to consciously check and identify this cognitive process when it manifests.
Once introspection has ascertained the mind of improper mental attention, then we apply an antidote to it. In general, we redirect our focus to a wholesome object, that is we cultivate a wholesome mind allowing us to break free from the grip of a negative emotional cycle and over-identification. This can be achieved through, applying reasoning, wisdom, patience, self-compassion breaks, mantra or reframing.
Whichever antidote we employ it is important that it is supported by a self-compassionate mindset.
Through engaging in these practices, we create space for self-compassion to flourish, helping us approach life’s challenges with a greater understanding and maintain inner peace.
Self-compassionate letter
Writing a self-compassionate letter is a powerful practice. We extend kindness and support to ourselves in the same way we would extend it to a loved one.
This creative exercise helps break the cycle of self-criticism, develop the wisdom to overcome difficulties and give rise to tenderness and self-acceptance.
Self-compassionate mantras and phrases
Engaging in the practice of reciting compassionate phrases directed towards oneself helps nurture our emotional well-being. Whether recited out loud or internally, repeating wholsome, life affirming phrases that resinate with ourselves, helps reduce an unpeaceful disturbed mind, anxiety, insecurity and engender a sense of peace, warmth and acceptance.
For example, we may recite and contemplate a phrase such as “be wise, be gentle with your mind”, but whatever words we choose, they must resonate with us on a personal, heart felt level.
Loving-kindness for oneself and others
Loving-kindness meditation is tradiionally a Buddhist practice, that extends compassion and love towards ourselves, friends, those who we hold neutral feelings towards, people we find difficult, and finally all beings.
This profound practice can be equally effective in a secular context, acting as a cause for a mind which has the aspect of connectedness, and compassion, for both ourselves and others, and can be effective in ovecoming negtaive thoughts we hold towards others, causing ourself to suffer.
Study of Compassion
The concept of compassion has been explored in various disciplines, including psychology, neuroscience, philosophy, and spirituality. Academics such as Kristin Neff, and Tara Brach have researched self-compassion, and have integrated Western psychology with Buddhist principles.
The benefit of studying compassion and its causes is that as our understanding grows so does our capacity to deepen the depth and breadth of our compassion in all its aspects benifiting both ourselves and others.
